I've tried to understand my parents without great success. I love them, but it has taken years of therapy (sounds cliche, but it's true) to be able to feel whole in their presence. Wow -- that's a pretty candid admission! As for my brother, he shares the pain, but hasn't gone down the therapy path.
One of the reasons I am writing about parenting teens in my blog is that I want to examine my conscious and unconscious choices around parenting and raise my self-awareness. I've learned a lot about healthy family relationships from reading a book called Mindsight by Dan Siegel. Dr. Siegel is a clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine and his research centers around how family relationships contribute to brain development, including the physical wiring of the brain.Of course it's too much for a blog post, but if anyone is interested they can watch a presentation on FORA.tv where he provides an overview. If you only have a few minutes, I would suggest watching Chapter 13, "What Integration in a Family Looks Like" which is immediately followed by "Adolescents and the Brain".
http://fora.tv/2009/06/30/Dan_Siegel_The_Brain_and_the_Developing_Mind#fullprogram
I would recommend this video for anyone examining their own family dynamics and especially anyone who is raising young children. He has also written a book called Parenting from the Inside Out that I'm looking forward to reading.I wish everyone happy holidays and happy families this Thanksgiving.
Thanks for your post. The link is very helpful. I think we all believe we are doing the best for our kids, but we often forget that there are two sides to everything. I think everyone should read this book or at least take the time to watch the link. It is very informative. ~
ReplyDeleteI agree with Jennifer, I really enjoyed the links that you posted. I wanted to share with you a line that my mom used to share with me a lot growing up: families don't always grow up under the same roof. on my mothers side of the family, we don't talk to any of them. Too many canyons have grown between us for any substantial healing, I suppose. But I always enjoyed time with my immediate family, even if I felt in adequate within those confines as well. Our relationship with family is so complex, and so all word, that it is super difficult to untangle I think. But I think it's inspiring that you are looking at the question yourself, so that you can be a better parent overall. Thank you for this post. I hope you had a stress-free holiday.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your feedback on the link, Jennifer. I know I have blindspots. Now that my daughters are 23 and 17, they are happy to point them out and can do so quite respectfully and articulately. I can just appreciate their honesty. I don't need to be defensive. Our relationship changes as they age and sometimes they have to make sure I understand that. The thing I hate most is when they talk about things I did in the past and I can't change the past, so that is frustrating.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing about your family, Dr. McCarthy! I hope you had a nice holiday.
ReplyDeleteWe went to my brother's house. His wife is a fabulous cook, and she and I bond over gluten free recipes. The sad part was that my brother and mother had a falling out earlier in the week, so my mom didn't come -- awkward! My husband and I had to sit down with our daughters ahead of time and do our best to explain the situation. My brother and I are trying to make sure our kids see enough of each other to feel that cousin-y bond. My mom and her sister stopped getting together for holidays and my brother and I lost track of our cousins.
The interesting thing about canyons is that they have echos.
Your mom is absolutely right.
Carrie, I can relate - I think we can all relate to your story. I don't think anyone has a totally "normal" relationship with their family, especially their parents. I can't say I had a bad upbringing and I don't have a lot to complain about because my parents tried hard to raise a family, while being new to the country and learning to assimilate, and working several jobs. Now, what I wish I could change was the fact that my family is the traditional Asian family - where we aren't particularly loving, affectionate and supportive people. My parents try to be supportive and encouraging but sometimes it doesn't seem that way. My sister has two boys - a pre-teen and a teen, so she has done a great job with raising them (as a single parent!) with a great deal of love and respect, and I've seen a gradual change in my parent's attitudes as well.
ReplyDeleteIt's an interesting thing family. It's funny that so many of us have holidays like this. I'd say 9 out of 10 of my friends speak about holiday gatherings with a certain amount of dread. Why is it that our own families drive us crazy? They know our weaknesses to well? They're too critical? Or they're just people we would never interact with if it weren't for the confines of "family"? I wonder about this a lot, especially around the holidays. I think it's great though to realize that even though we can't change our crazy families, maybe we can better ourselves.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your perspectives and reminding me that maybe most of us share these ambivalent feelings during the holidays.
ReplyDelete